Help! I'm in the middle of a nasty flare. I look fine of course because you usually do with fibromyalgia. But outside of a flare, there is rarely a day when I don't have pain in my body. When I am in a flare, I just hurt more. Every day the ache is somewhere different. Today it is in my lower back, groin, jaw and head. I can't sit comfortably. I can't stand comfortably. And I feel sick, like I am going to throw-up. Thankfully I never do. And don't get me started on the extreme agitation! But I know how lucky I am. Even in the middle of the worst flare, I don't suffer as much as some. I can function. I can have a shower, although it exhausts me. I can cook dinner, do the laundry, play with my little girl but it all exhausts me. And by that I mean, I can barely find the energy to put one foot in front of the other sometimes. But I have to.
I am lucky to be able to work only three days a week but I'm dreading next year when I may have to go back to full-time. And the problem with that is that I know I won't be physically able to. So I may have to resign. But we need the money.
I worry all the time. I worry that I will get worse. I worry that I am turning into an alcoholic because a large G & T or a glass of wine is the only thing that seems to bring me any relief. I worry that I can't do enough with Eliza. I worry that Ronan, who works full time in a pressurized environment, then comes home to me moaning about my pain. I worry that I moan all the time. I worry that all I talk about is fibromyalgia.
The biggest problem I have with fibro is how invisible it is. Kind colleagues and friends see me limping and ask if I have hurt my leg. "No, it's the fibro" is my constant refrain and I'm sure they are as sick of hearing it as I am of saying it. I am regularly teased for being lazy by using the lift, instead of the stairs. I don't blame them. I look fine. How are they to know that my legs are so stiff, it's a monumental effort to get them to walk on the flat most days? I am offered painkillers all the time. Unfortunately not one single painkiller works for me. It is frustrating and I feel so ridiculous, particularly for my physical weakness and lack of energy. I see so many women with three or four children, juggling full time jobs and I am unable to cope with my one child. I feel like a failure. And I feel they think I am a failure.
On better days, I know I'm not a failure. But on better days, I think I am imagining the nightmare of the flare!
I am lucky to be able to work only three days a week but I'm dreading next year when I may have to go back to full-time. And the problem with that is that I know I won't be physically able to. So I may have to resign. But we need the money.
I worry all the time. I worry that I will get worse. I worry that I am turning into an alcoholic because a large G & T or a glass of wine is the only thing that seems to bring me any relief. I worry that I can't do enough with Eliza. I worry that Ronan, who works full time in a pressurized environment, then comes home to me moaning about my pain. I worry that I moan all the time. I worry that all I talk about is fibromyalgia.
The biggest problem I have with fibro is how invisible it is. Kind colleagues and friends see me limping and ask if I have hurt my leg. "No, it's the fibro" is my constant refrain and I'm sure they are as sick of hearing it as I am of saying it. I am regularly teased for being lazy by using the lift, instead of the stairs. I don't blame them. I look fine. How are they to know that my legs are so stiff, it's a monumental effort to get them to walk on the flat most days? I am offered painkillers all the time. Unfortunately not one single painkiller works for me. It is frustrating and I feel so ridiculous, particularly for my physical weakness and lack of energy. I see so many women with three or four children, juggling full time jobs and I am unable to cope with my one child. I feel like a failure. And I feel they think I am a failure.
On better days, I know I'm not a failure. But on better days, I think I am imagining the nightmare of the flare!
